Jay Maynard (jmaynard) wrote,
Jay Maynard

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Dredging up old pain

The online wake that michaelmink organized last night for moufette went off quite well. I think a lot of folks said what needed to be said.

Unfortunately for me, one of them was a comment by youngvanwinkle that touched on the roots of the split between #watertower and #WarnerCafe. He needed to say it for his own reasons, and I certainly don't begrudge him that. The problem for me came when he apologized to me in private for his role in all of that.

I believe he (along with a few others) was responsible for some serious pain in my life. For years after that, he seemed to go out of his way, whenever we would encounter each other, to push my buttons. He may well have changed and become a better person than the one he was back then. I don't know. What I do know is that, after searching my soul, I cannot find it in myself to forgive. An apology, however heartfelt, just isn't enough to fix the hurt. In fairness, I don't know what more he could do. I'm not at all sure there is anything.

Does this make me less of a person? Probably. Maybe someday I'll get over it...but even now, nearly a decade later, it still hurts too much. I'll just have to live with that.

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