Neither would install.
I'm about to plug in a 56K external modem Paul used to use and see if that fixes the problem and will allow me to install the other software and use it without hopelessly bogging down the machine (remember, this is a top-end box with plenty of horsepower); if that fails, I'll try my Epson Stylus Color 640 printer with XP to see if that solves that problem. My boss, meanwhile, is pondering unloading the box and getting something - anything - else.
I've spent a good chunk of my week off dealing with this pile of crap. Yay.